Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

Managing expectations

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

💀💀

dril cadence

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.