Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

She might be a genius

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked