What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
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me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Duolingo getting serious.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Real 😅
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”