i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
You Might Also Like
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.