Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.