Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

(hours before leaving on a road trip)

You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

shakira sharkira

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.