Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

This headline is a thing of beauty

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

This is a true ally.

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.