Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

lol

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.