What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
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It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages