Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

black phone good

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character