What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*