What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
This might be the funniest tweet ever
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.