Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

That 👊

My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*

My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

Customize Your Wedding.

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.