Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

Ummm

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.