Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

I have many caverns

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining