Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

ㅤ

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

This is my pinned tweet

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?