Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

“Theirye’re” problem solved

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?

Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.

Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.

Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

Thoughts that keep me awake….

why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?

*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*

They did not think through this water fountain

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present