What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
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The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
another case of gang violins
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Ah yes. The three genders
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
