What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
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Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.