What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
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Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Tell me you get it…🤣
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”