What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
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Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Does beer think about me too?
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition