What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
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“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords