What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
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A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What鈥檚 my email password?
Brain: I don鈥檛 remember.
Me: Why鈥檇 I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because鈥omorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Every husband sings this song 馃槀馃ぃ馃槀 馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
The ending is priceless 馃槅馃槅馃槅
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Ros茅 all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it鈥檚 nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog鈥檚 name is jeff
[fumbling with my phone as I鈥檓 being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Betrayal only comes from someone we鈥檙e close to. Just like herpes.
People always tell you that you鈥檒l blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS