What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
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“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I have never related to anyone more.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*