What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
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I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent