Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
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Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
No. YOU-buprofen.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives