What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
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I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I’m not lazy
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”