What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
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Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Monday
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.