Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.