Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…