Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided