What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
The point of your 20s
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.