What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?


#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

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i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved


[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.


I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.


Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred


People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn’t mean i have kids.


This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.


Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!


Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc


An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car