@hansabumsadaisy

What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

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@direlog

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

@Tommytoughstuff

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

@ThrillHicks

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

@tracietom

Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred

@histwaddle

People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn’t mean i have kids.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

@Quartzjixler

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

@Jamberee13

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

@shutupmikeginn

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car