[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
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In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.