What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
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The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
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Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
#parenting
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The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”