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Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself