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It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs