What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
You Might Also Like
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”