What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
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[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.