What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
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I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!