Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river