What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
You Might Also Like
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Ha.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor