Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

I’m confused about plants

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

This a good idea

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

Imma just leave this here…………

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you