What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
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Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
My dog ate my work from home.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.