Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

i can’t wait that long

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

🤣🤣

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”