What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?![]()
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[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
🤣😂🤣
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If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.