Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

This took me a second..

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”