Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

Found a free bandaid at the pool.

#SCOTUS one-star review

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary