Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

god: next up for 2020-

angel: crap, what now?

god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS

angel: i’ll get legal

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”