What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
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If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
who wore it better?
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*