Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

This hospital has everything

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

Your honor these allegations are

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*