Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

I feel like one of these would kill a European

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.