Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house