What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
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If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother