What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
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Every time.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.