What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
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My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
my mom making me talk to relatives
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no