Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

that colleague who touches your screen

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.