Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day

Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

Short story

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.