What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
You Might Also Like
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you