What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
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I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard