What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
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“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Winnipeg!!
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Steam Forums
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday