What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
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“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
✌🏽
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
hi why am I like this
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together