Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first