Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”

*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials

Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.

Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

Does this dress make me look cat?

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.