What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
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I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.