What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
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me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart