Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

Kids forever killing vibes 💀

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.