Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy

-Dr. Octavril Lavigne

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”