Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
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My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.