Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

[on date]

“I think we should take this a step farther”

Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-

*date already left*

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece