Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

Message from teachers: no clubs this week

Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week

Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week

School electronic sign: no clubs this week

Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?