Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

pls suprot

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.

I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money

Grandpa

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

!!!!!!!!!!!

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.