What do you call a really small strawberry? 馃崜
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 馃
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven鈥檛 watched it yet.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn鈥檛 realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now