Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..