Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him