What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
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Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
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Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
britain’s three elite institutions
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[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
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got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!