Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

incredible text to wake up to

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Clients after you give them your rates

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week