Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

So glad we cleared that up

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?

It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.

The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

This is the greatest Twitter thread ever

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what