Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!

Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.

Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..