Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.