What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
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SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you
dinner ingredients:
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
My therapist after every session
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.