Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My blood type is b hungry.

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

first you must answer his riddles

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.